From Finner

Hello again!
I feel like I haven't done this blog justice for I have pretty much abandoned it for about 5 months. Well, my life has been in a whirlwind these past months. There had been many times when I tried to write something but ending up not liking it and saving it in the draft folders.

Anyway, a few days ago a very close friend of mine asked  "Have you ever regretted your decision to move to ITB?" It was an expected question, I know she had had it on the tip of her tongue for so long, it was only a matter of time.

Well, my answer has always been the same, even from the day one. "No"

Just like what Nelson Mandela once said

 "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears”

That quote is so beautiful and it inspires me so much. It was really hard to decide whether to move or not, I was afraid of so many things, I was afraid of not having friends, I was afraid of having my expectations too high, I was afraid of wasting all the comfort I've earned in UI, and many other things. But then I remembered that quote and I realize that I don't want to spend my life based on my fears, I don't want to spend my life thinking "what ifs" because you know at the end of the day you only regret the chances you didn't take. So no matter how bad it gets, at the very least I can always take pride in knowing that I have defeated my fears.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have hard time adapting in here, but I also learned so many things, things I never really understood before. I learned some of it the hard way, I wish I can save some of your time by writing it here.

• Being alone won't make you feel lonely. You'll feel lonely when you are among the people who do not care about you being there. In short, it's much much much better to be alone rather than be with those people.
• Most of the bad things are only in your mind, that's why you need to try to be as positive as possible
• Most of the people are not as bad as you thought they were, you just need to know them a little bit better. 
• But, there are also some people who are just plainly a pain in the ass and they don't deserve any of your time nor your sympathy.
• Yes, a quality time with your self is needed once in a while, but too much of it can be venomous.
• If you don't make the first move, no one else will.
• At the end of the day you will only have your self, and darling if you don't take care of your self good enough you will have a hell of ride trying to put everything together.

Other than those lessons, I too, have met so many wonderful people that are slowly making me feel 'home' in Bandung. Just like I've told you before, I'm surely, slowly falling for the people too. 

 

"And we are far from home, but we're so happy
Far from home, all alone, but we're so happy "

-Of Monster and Men - From Finner-

Bliss, Remembrance & Closure

Few weeks ago, on 15th November 2013 I decided to visit my old family, the Mathematics Department of Universitas Indonesia. I came to fulfill my promise to attend one of the biggest event my angkatan held, it was FORSIL 2013.

Coming there, I didn't know what to expect, I was very giddy, nervous, afraid and excited at the same time. I thought coming there would be the best option to give my self the much needed closure, I thought that by coming there I would be able to satisfy all of this longing and curiosity. I thought that coming there would solve everything and I'd be able to really move on.

Damnit, I had never been more wrong.

Coming there was like a vacation, very fun and exhilarating. Coming there was like coming home, so comfortable and warm. Coming there was easily one of the best moments in these few months. 

It was so easy to laugh, for once I really got all the jokes. It had been such a long time since the last time I laughed that hard, it had been way too long since the last time I laughed 'till my stomach literally hurt. 

I hadn't talked that long with someone, coming there I feel like I found my self again, my carefree self who couldn't care less about what next word to say, whether this will offend the people in front of me or not, whether it's okay or not to express my opinion about certain things & so much more. 

It was effortless, being happy was effortless, being comfortable was effortless. everything I did there was so effortless. I love seeing those familiar faces I know by heart, I love knowing that I still have a home there.

And then it hit me, how much I missed everything.

I miss the people. I miss their scents, I miss their laughter, I miss their sense of humor, I miss the safety I felt around them, I miss how easy it was to laugh with them. I miss them

I miss the building, yes I actually miss the building. I used to hate it, I hated how unmaintained it was, I hated how it had to be closed at 6 pm, I hated the restroom and I even hated the stairs. But I didn't realize that it provided me a place to belong. Being a new student in ITB means that you gotta stick around in common buildings or library with the strangers whom you can't talk to and people you'd rather avoid. It's just so different, I'm so used to hanging around in the hall or 'teras matek' whenever I got nothing to do, there we could gather around, just doing nothing, chitchating, doing homeworks, and just being together. But now I feel like a lost puppy whenever I have no classes.

There are many other things to be missed but I'd rather not go into details.

Well, here I am living my dream yet it's still hard for me to move on from the past, not to mention that I have been missing out so much. I'm not going to try catching up with those things I've missed because it would be left in vain. Slowly but surely I know I have to back out, I know that I'm losing my place and it's okay, maybe. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up, sometimes in my lowest point I feel like changing my phone numbers, making new accounts and forgetting everything. But we all know that it is a very stupid idea because you can't choose which memories to remember, you can only choose to pretend ignoring them.

Coming there again had made it clear, that I'm never going to forget about them, about everything that had happened the past year. And  that's what saddens me the most, coming there had made me realize that I could be that happy. It had made me remember that it's possible to feel Home outside my real home.

You might think I'm exaggerating things, But it's me we're talking about. I'm the worst person when it comes to adapting into new things , I'm also very bad at being close to new people, I'm like a lump of awkwardness to the people I'm not close with. That's why when I feel comfortable around certain people or things, I always get too attached.

Perhaps it was just because I visited them at the time when the euphoria was so thick on the air, or perhaps it was because I hadn't expect my trip to Depok would be that fun. Perhaps it was because I didn't let myself to admit how much I miss everything. 

But, I feel like I haven't said enough thank you to all of them, especially MAT12ICES.
Thank you for being my family, for the past year, even until now and beyond. Thank you for not forgetting me, I really love the quote you gave me "You'll always be a part of us and you will never walk alone" ,I wish you all endless success and don't forget to have fun! I love you all so much!  

And to the people I could never forget, Ditya, Insan, Kinan, Lintang, Maria, Niken, Ova, Zainul.
You know how much I love you all. Try not to forget me yaa!<3

Well, for a friendly reminder, I don't regret moving. I don't think I ever will, It has always been my one big lifetime dream, it is a choice that have no space for regret. I'm falling hard for this city, I love its weather, I love coming back to my room finding it's warm when it's freezing outside and the opposite. I love the atmosphere, and I'm surely, slowly falling for the people too. 

I guess all I can do is to just keep walking, walking, and walking

Life is going to be so wonderful
One day I'll look back saying endless thank you. Amin

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1000 Words

10:41 pm

25 November 2013

This post has been my final closure.

The Comforting Set-up

There’s always a certain kind of comfort whenever I listen to music in the darkness.   

It’s not that I like darkness that much, I just find solitude here. When my eyes are no longer busy taking care of my surrounding, suddenly everything feels so much less complicated. It’s comforting, really. The lights is no longer jabbing your eyes and you’re left blinded, the only thing left is the peaceful darkness. Maybe a part of the reason why it’s comforting is the fact that you can’t see much, and so you start to ignore your surrounding and furthermore your world. It’s quiet, but, usually when I lay alone in the quiet darkness my thoughts would run wild and bizarre, that’s why music is needed. Music always takes me to a whole new universe. It has an effect that nothing else has, it can lifts up and slams down my mood at the same time. It’s the best thing that can give me comfort, that’s why it collaborates the best with the dark room. 

it’s my very own version of comfort, we may have it different, so find your own comforting set-up :)

.

I wish I didn't hate my self this much
it's just, every single thing I do just keeps making me hate my self even more
I had never done anything right, and it's just getting harder
I tried really hard to push these feelings aside, but they always resurface
I'm such a mess.   

within the sound of silence...

I seriously want to start this year with happy blogpost, I want it to be started with something positive, something good. But,  nothing's been good to me.

It's holiday, I had waited for too long to let it be a waste. But, in this holiday I've become a mess. I really lose it. Bad, scary, negative thoughts come back rushing to me, consuming me worse then ever. I feel like giving up, I don't even know what I'm fighting for. I'm just tired. I need a rest from all of these thoughts, I want to take my brains off and stop thinking for a while, just be stupid and inconsiderate.

Suddenly I understand the song "The Sound of Silence" from Simon&Garfunkle

Looking for Peace

Okay, a small but huge mistake, it's not ourshelves, it's ourselves
LOL I guess photoshop should have come with spellchecker.

Hollow

I used to be someone who wants a lot of things
I used to have goals I want to achieve
I used to dream big
I used to know where I'm going

but now
all I want is holiday
every second of the day, I'm waiting for weekend
I'm dreading for time when I have nothing to do

I never liked Monday, but I never hated it.
now I loath Monday

What is wrong with me? Am I just  simply getting lazier?

I feel like I lost all the passion in my body, it feels like nothing can excite me anymore
every time something good happen, the happiness level never goes up to its maximum point.
I've been happy, but never 'I'm-so-happy-I-could-die' kind of happy.

I remember the first two years of high school, something that can kept me happy was my obsession of 'New York City'.
The third year, I was obsessed  ITB. It was literally all I talked about. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was what kept me going no matter how tired and sick I was.

Those dreams kept me sane, they kept me alive. 

But now I don't even have any dreams. I'm not running nor chasing anything
I barely make it, walking through every second of my life
The only thing I'm looking forward is weekend
and it feels so wrong

Am I sad?
No I'm not sad. I'm just generally hollow

6th of July

do you know how it feels like when you've been living your life, giving all you've got for only one goal, and suddenly you fail. You just fail, and you will never be able to reach that goal anymore. Your life crumbles down and you no longer know what to do with your life anymore. You try to be okay, you want to be okay but you can't. You wonder what are you gonna do from now, how will you move on with your life.

You had it all pictured out, you had everything perfectly planned, you knew what you were going to do 5 years from now, but now all those plans will never be realized because you just simply fail.

People tell you to dream big, and to believe it. they keep telling you your dream will come true. And so you give everything, you put all your energy and time to make sure that it will work out. People assure you that you're gonna make it. So you believe it, after all every wise man tells us to believe our dream.

When you fail, people can offer nothing but empty words of comfort, those words don't mean a thing for you. you keep on asking "why?" and you keep trying to say that everything is a lie, that you're gonna wake up and find everything is alright. But no it's not. you fail. it's as simple as that. it's not a lie nor it is a dream.
You tell people you're alright, you act as if it doesn't really effect you. So you brushed people's concern with a simple laugh.

You used to be the epitome of optimism, you tried to cheer for everyone wishing them luck and all. You used to be so sure of your success. -but now you're standing in sidelines, watching everyone but you having their success, celebrating their own victory.

.

If there's anything I learned today, it's that I will never ever win any argument with my parent. that's why most of the times I choose to go away without finishing the argument. I know it's impolite but If I stay it would just make me be angry and lose my temper. And that will only lead to worsening the matter. 
And honestly, no matter how right I am, It's not like they will listen to my opinion anyway. So I should have known that I don't stand a chance to win at all.

untitled

Today I realized so many things, Although I regret some of things I did/didn't do. I am very grateful of where I am now, I am very grateful that I didn't let my emotion take over that far.  I feel like I am back to my sense right now. Maybe I have been given time to rethink all the possibilities that lie ahead me. Let's just hope for the best!

unspoken

Maybe I am the only one who noticed that there are too many words left unspoken
Those words which always stopped right before our lips. They never made any sound, They stayed inside and maybe one day we'll go too far to remember those words, and They'll finally die inside.

Maybe it's better to keep it this way. But 'maybe' is a word of possibilities. Maybe it's better if Einstein didn't found the Formula of Relativity, maybe, maybe maybe. we would never know... 

Maybe those words are never meant to be spoken, yeah maybe.
They say what's meant to be will always find its way, So I guess it's not meant to be from the start, because we're running out off time and there's no other day to find its way. We have gone too far to find a way out of this puzzle.

maybe I care too much after all... 

One thing I need to do : STOP DISAPPOINTING MY SELF

Where do you see your self in 10 years?

"Where do you see your self in 10 years?"

Ten years from now, that means that I'd be about 27 going on 28.

I wish, I'll have finished my master degree from a good university in foreign country. I will have traveled around the world, I will have tasted the experience of being a backpacker in foreign countries. I will have married with a loving husband. -and possibly living in a small but very comfortable home while saving up money to build a bigger one, my dream home. maybe planning for kids. I will be working in a big company with a good position while earning experience to go further. I will do great and big things.

---------

That's a lot. I know. Some people will probably hit me in the head and say 'Don't dream too much!' I know that not everything goes with the plan. My mother once told me when she was young she had a dream to travel the world. But as she got older more important things came, she needed to be realistic and put aside her dream. I guess that's just how the world is. But  don't want to give up on my dream. It's not  a  dream, it's a plan. I may sound arrogant but I want it so bad, I need to make sure that I will still remember it when those obstacles come. That my wills will be bigger than the problems I have ahead.
Still, I realize at the end of the day everything is decided by Allah SWT, but there's no harm in trying rite?
May all my dreams come true. Amin.

the last days of school.

Seven days from now, I'll be having the National Examination. Tadaaatadaaaa.
I feel happy, scared, sad, and in some ways excited. I don't know how to put it. there is so much feeling inside of me. the feeling is almost overwhelming. Okay, some of you may feel like I'm exaggerating thing. it's not really about the National Exam, it's more about these last moment I have in High School. Heck, this week is the last week of having school. Like a real school. You know, I have been having the same routine for twelve freaking years and now it's about to stop. What routine? Well you know waking up in the morning, having a breakfast, wearing uniform, take off to school at about 6:30, and then going home in the afternoon. That had been my life for the last twelve years. And I know it's not like I'm gonna get married after high school. I still have College and people say that I shouldn't take this too seriously. But still, the little things like knowing that there won't be any uniform to wear, or a tablemate, or the permanent classmate make me kinda sad. I start to notice things, like when I eat in canteen I'd suddenly feel like 'maybe it's gonna be one of my last times here', ...and today I just had my last flag ceremony, Nothing was really special, but still that was the LAST ceremony.  And I'm gonna miss my friends for sure, those people make everything easier than how it should be..

But at the other side, I feel rather excited to have a change. to be a 'Mahasiswa'. I can't wait for something new to happen. Although I'm kinda afraid, because honestly socializing and adapting aren't not ones of my strong points.

After National Exam, I'm gonna have SNMPTN, dumdumdumdumdumdum. Hearing its name already makes me feel uneasy. I'm still far away left behind my friends. I need to run to chase them. I guess I'm gonna study hard, and harder. For a better future, for my dream.

5 Quirks about me

I don't know why I even post this thing, I take it from my tumblr. yes, someone actually asked me the question. finally. haha

List 5 quirky things about yourself.

• I really like running and jumping around, if you see me walking down the street alone and suddenly I run or jump out of no where you shouldn’t be surprised. I just love the feeling when the wind hitting my face and the feeling of being up in the air. they make me feel like flying and feel like being a kid again

• I’m actually really good at reading people

• My friends once told me that I should join the ‘Funniest Man Contest’ They said I didn’t even need to do anything to win it.

• I love romance (and believe me I got moved very easily) but somehow I really don’t like Titanic or Romeo and Juliet. I just can’t see it romantic.

• I can talk REALLY FAST, and usually people would stop listening in the middle because they couldn’t catch what I was saying anymore.

who knows

If months ago you had told me that I'd be a able to rap a Nicki Minaj's song, and become a big fan of Korean stars, I'm pretty sure that I would laugh at your face.
I don't know how it started, it just happened. I guess we would never know what Life will gives to us. it's so random and out of my comfort zone. but I enjoy it, it's like discovering something new and it changes the way you see something. No, I don't change. I just add up new things in my library.

Quality Time..

Quality time with my self

I know I don’t usually write a lot in here, it’s not important though, so you may want to scroll past this..
My room isn’t big, it’s only 3x4 meters, but for me it’s one huge wonderland. It has Christmas lights hung around the ceiling and also a set of unused speakers.
So I turned off the main lamp, turned on the Christmas light, put ‘The Trees and The Wild’ on repeat and connect it to my awesome speakers, and most importantly a cup of coffee. Too bad I don’t have a great cup of coffee tonight. I’m trying this ‘Creamy Cappuccino’ and it tastes like milk. bleeh :/
Let’s just say I’m savoring every moment of it, The guitar strums from the marvelous ‘the trees and the wild’ , the lights, the warmth of the ‘coffee’. None of my friends really understand why I love it so much, but I guess everyone has their own moment right?
——-
Times like this get me thinking (even a lot more than I usually do). Many things crossed my mind, mostly about human though. Weird topic, and I don’t feel like typing it down in tumblr.
Many people find me to be really talkative, but really sometimes I feel like I’m a big introvert. I spend more times alone than hanging out with friends, and I don’t mind a single bit. Sometimes I wonder, am I a loner? no. I actually really love people’s company, and it’s nice to have friends to talk to. But there are times (a lot of them) when I’d rather be alone. Not because I was down, sad or disappointed. I just plainly want to be alone, to have times for my own. Maybe it has something to do with how I grew up. No, I didn’t grow up alone and sad. I have a big brother, a (thanks god) loving family, a bunch of friends that made my childhood fantastic. But yeah, around the times when I was 13 my brother left for college, both of my parents were workaholic, childhood friends went their own way. Years of going home to find empty house (well I had a great maid though, but it’s different) must have something to do with it.
—-
There are countless times I refused to hang out just to have time like this
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Sometimes I went to the mall alone, wandering through the crowd and looking for my own peace.
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entertaing my self

Here's  a little fact about me : I'm good at entertaining my self.

Do you know who was my best friend in first grade? The school fence.
Well, first I went to the Tarakanita Elementary School. Actually  it was a nice private school, but maybe because I was probably the only kid who had gone to a different kindergarten. I fell left out, and it was so hard for me to make friends. This school had a big blue fence. Everyday I'd just be hanging around by the fence and looking if my 'nurse' was there waiting for me.
Due to my endless babbling and crying in every morning, my parents decided to move me into a school named 'Yustia Puri' this school was a private school too and it was really close from my home. The school wasn't fancy like Tarakanita but it was alright. The kids were so much more down-to-earth so it wasn't that hard to make friends. But I was a very shy girl, very self-conscious (especially because I was taller than all of the girls. Sorry bitches but I was born to be a model :p). So the first few weeks I didn't really have friends. And Guess what? the school also had a big fence. So I played with the fence, people find it weird but actually I felt like playing in a big playground. So then those mothers told my nurse how lonely I had been, they said something like "your kid is really weird!" "her face is so arrogant" "she doesn't have friend, her friend is the fence!" (I know it because my nurse told me about it later). But I didn't feel bored or lonely. I was just entertained enough...
few weeks ago my mother bring me a poster of New York which has been framed. I played with it from almost 15 minutes. I just keep flipping it with hand, feet and did another weird thing. I didn't realize what I was doing until it hit me that I had been spending my spare time playing random weird thing with a poster..
The similar things happen pretty often. I'm good at entertaining my self.