Bliss, Remembrance & Closure

Few weeks ago, on 15th November 2013 I decided to visit my old family, the Mathematics Department of Universitas Indonesia. I came to fulfill my promise to attend one of the biggest event my angkatan held, it was FORSIL 2013.

Coming there, I didn't know what to expect, I was very giddy, nervous, afraid and excited at the same time. I thought coming there would be the best option to give my self the much needed closure, I thought that by coming there I would be able to satisfy all of this longing and curiosity. I thought that coming there would solve everything and I'd be able to really move on.

Damnit, I had never been more wrong.

Coming there was like a vacation, very fun and exhilarating. Coming there was like coming home, so comfortable and warm. Coming there was easily one of the best moments in these few months. 

It was so easy to laugh, for once I really got all the jokes. It had been such a long time since the last time I laughed that hard, it had been way too long since the last time I laughed 'till my stomach literally hurt. 

I hadn't talked that long with someone, coming there I feel like I found my self again, my carefree self who couldn't care less about what next word to say, whether this will offend the people in front of me or not, whether it's okay or not to express my opinion about certain things & so much more. 

It was effortless, being happy was effortless, being comfortable was effortless. everything I did there was so effortless. I love seeing those familiar faces I know by heart, I love knowing that I still have a home there.

And then it hit me, how much I missed everything.

I miss the people. I miss their scents, I miss their laughter, I miss their sense of humor, I miss the safety I felt around them, I miss how easy it was to laugh with them. I miss them

I miss the building, yes I actually miss the building. I used to hate it, I hated how unmaintained it was, I hated how it had to be closed at 6 pm, I hated the restroom and I even hated the stairs. But I didn't realize that it provided me a place to belong. Being a new student in ITB means that you gotta stick around in common buildings or library with the strangers whom you can't talk to and people you'd rather avoid. It's just so different, I'm so used to hanging around in the hall or 'teras matek' whenever I got nothing to do, there we could gather around, just doing nothing, chitchating, doing homeworks, and just being together. But now I feel like a lost puppy whenever I have no classes.

There are many other things to be missed but I'd rather not go into details.

Well, here I am living my dream yet it's still hard for me to move on from the past, not to mention that I have been missing out so much. I'm not going to try catching up with those things I've missed because it would be left in vain. Slowly but surely I know I have to back out, I know that I'm losing my place and it's okay, maybe. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up, sometimes in my lowest point I feel like changing my phone numbers, making new accounts and forgetting everything. But we all know that it is a very stupid idea because you can't choose which memories to remember, you can only choose to pretend ignoring them.

Coming there again had made it clear, that I'm never going to forget about them, about everything that had happened the past year. And  that's what saddens me the most, coming there had made me realize that I could be that happy. It had made me remember that it's possible to feel Home outside my real home.

You might think I'm exaggerating things, But it's me we're talking about. I'm the worst person when it comes to adapting into new things , I'm also very bad at being close to new people, I'm like a lump of awkwardness to the people I'm not close with. That's why when I feel comfortable around certain people or things, I always get too attached.

Perhaps it was just because I visited them at the time when the euphoria was so thick on the air, or perhaps it was because I hadn't expect my trip to Depok would be that fun. Perhaps it was because I didn't let myself to admit how much I miss everything. 

But, I feel like I haven't said enough thank you to all of them, especially MAT12ICES.
Thank you for being my family, for the past year, even until now and beyond. Thank you for not forgetting me, I really love the quote you gave me "You'll always be a part of us and you will never walk alone" ,I wish you all endless success and don't forget to have fun! I love you all so much!  

And to the people I could never forget, Ditya, Insan, Kinan, Lintang, Maria, Niken, Ova, Zainul.
You know how much I love you all. Try not to forget me yaa!<3

Well, for a friendly reminder, I don't regret moving. I don't think I ever will, It has always been my one big lifetime dream, it is a choice that have no space for regret. I'm falling hard for this city, I love its weather, I love coming back to my room finding it's warm when it's freezing outside and the opposite. I love the atmosphere, and I'm surely, slowly falling for the people too. 

I guess all I can do is to just keep walking, walking, and walking

Life is going to be so wonderful
One day I'll look back saying endless thank you. Amin

-------------- 

1000 Words

10:41 pm

25 November 2013

This post has been my final closure.

Di Beranda

....

Dan jika suatu saat 
Buah hatiku, buah hatimu 
Untuk sementara waktu pergi
 Usahlah kau pertanyakan 

ke mana kakinya kan melangkah
 Kita berdua tahu, dia pasti

Pulang ke rumah

....

Diatas merupakan petikan lirik dari lagu "Di Beranda" oleh sekelompok musisi yang sedang mendominasi playlist gua sehari-hari, Banda Neira. Lagu ini menceritakan mengenai dialog seorang ayah dan ibu tentang anaknya yang sedang merantau. Mungkin terkesan aneh kalau gua memetik lagu ini, gua bukan seorang ibu, dan jelas sekali belum punya anak. Namun setelah membaca blog mereka lebih lanjut, ternyata kata-kata di lirik ini sebenarnya kata-kata yang ingin disampaikan sang penulis untuk ibunya yang disamarkan dalam bentuk dialog ayah-ibu. Ya, seakan-akan ayah nya lah berkata seperti itu pada ibunya, padahal sebenarnya ini adalah curahan hati anak untuk ibunya. Bait diatas merupakan bait favorit gua, Entah kenapa, bait ini memiliki daya tarik yang sangat tinggi, Bagi gua bait ini memiliki optimisme, keyakinan seorang anak, kepercayaan sang orang tua, dan kehangatan sebuah rumah.

'Such a beautiful lyric', itu pikiran pertama gua setelah mendengar lagu ini, namun kedua kali mendengar lagu ini, tiba-tiba sesuatu mengganggu pikiran gua. Apakah gua sudah dapat mengatakan hal tersebut kepada kedua orang tua gua? Ya gua memang merantau di kota orang, namun jarak nya dapat ditempuh dalam 4 jam perjalanan, bahkan gua pun selalu pulang ke rumah setidaknya 2 minggu sekali. Apakah gua sudah pantas mengatakan hal tersebut disaat jarak kurang lebih 200 km merupakan satu-satunya penghalang gua dengan rumah? Bukannya gua ingin jauh-jauh dari rumah, apalagi dari orang tua, God knows I can't stay in Bandung more than 2 weeks without seeing them, maksud gua adalah bahwa gua belum berjalan cukup jauh, tempat gua berada sekarang terasa terlalu normal, hampir terlalu aman malah, maka dari itu gua masih harus berjalan jauh untuk melihat dunia lebih luas lagi

Lagu ini mengingatkan gua akan satu mimpi yang hampir gua lupakan; Keliling Dunia! tahun lalu bahkan gua melukis sebuah peta dunia besar di dinding kamar gua, tujuannya selain untuk memperindah kamar adalah untuk mengingatkan gua bahwa dunia bukan hanya kamar gua, namun ada dunia luar, dan saat melukis itu gua berjanji bahwa suatu hari gua akan melihat peta dunia tersebut dengan bangga karena gua sudah mengunjungi tempat-tempat di peta tersebut. Amin. Rasanya ingin segera lulus dan mencari beasiswa ke luar negeri, ke negara entah berantah disana. Ingin segera menapakan kaki di negara yang tak dikenal, ingin belajar sesuatu yang baru, ingin melakukan hal besar, ingin segera berpetualang dan berjalan jauh, jauh, jauh. Terdengar sangat mengandai-andai memang, semester satu saja belum selesai tapi soksokan sekali sudah bicara tentang pendidikan selanjutnya. Ya namanya juga sedang bersemangat.....

Mungkin nanti, pada saat itu gua bisa mengatakan bait terebut kepada orang tua gua, di saat gua sudah melangkah jauh, menentukan pilihan hidup sendiri, dan menemukan petualangan baru. 

Semoga nanti, suatu saat, gua bisa membanggakan orang tua gua, dan membalas semua kepercayaan serta doa-doa dari mereka.

Amin

Dan apabila mungkin ada yang penasaran, ini lagunya :) 

Rindu

a beautiful simple song that fits me just all too well recently.

Rindu (musikalisasi puisi Subagio Sastrowardoyo)

Rumah kosong
Sudah lama ingin dihuni
Adalah teman bicara; Siapa saja atau apa 
 Jendela, kursi, Atau bunga di meja 
Sunyi, menyayat seperti belati 
Meminta darah yang mengalir dari mimpi

it's October!

Hi! 

I know that one of my last post was titled "August part I",There should be an "August part II" but then suddenly it's October already! Even September has already passed! 

One of the reasons I haven't updated much is because there was nothing much to be shared. I didn't want this blog to be a sappy blog where I pour all of my sometimes depressing thoughts, I want to share more about the normal and somewhat happy side of me. And the last month hasn't exactly been that 'happy' 

I'd be lying if I told you I haven't been thrilled. The truth is all of these moving to Bandung and being a Maba again has been a strange experience. It was much much harder than I thought, meeting new kind of people that didn't exist in my encyclopedia before, having to go through a new routine and making huge effort to befriend with new people again. And one of the worst thing is I can't complain because this is what I had wanted all along and this is my choice; to let go what I had and starting fresh. So, weeks ago I had it hard, I wasn't that happy with everything. 

But you should know I have no regrets, not even a little, not even the slightest. This is just a phase I have to go through to achieve my dream, it's all natural and everyone goes through this phase in their life. And I surely do love ITB and Bandung! So I guess it will all be okay, it's just a matter of time right?  I mean the fact that I updated this blog shows that I'm much happier now. And I really am happy, even thinking about being here itself already makes me giddy.

By the way, I found this place in Bandung not that far from my kostan. It's called "Reading Lights". It's an English bookstore which also sell the used books. It also has a cafe in it. It's not that big and it's not fancy. It only has several tables but I find this place pretty comfortable. Probably because it is not that crowded. Even though all the tables are occupied, it's quiet in here. And the WiFi is very fast! it's really nice. I wouldn't say the coffee is that good, but it's good enough to make you wanting to come again. It's the first time I come here and I've been staying here for more than two hours. Many other costumers have come before me and still stay in their position. This is a very comfortable place to spend your time, I just wish they had more sofas and menus.

Anyway it's October already! Many dear people I know will be celebrating their birthday this month! But too bad it seems like I wouldn't be there to celebrate because somehow ITB has decided to use all the Saturdays for UTS! yes, it's UTS tomorrow! Wish me luck! :')

Even with all the UTS I'm still looking forward for October, May this month be a great month for us! :-)

The Comforting Set-up

There’s always a certain kind of comfort whenever I listen to music in the darkness.   

It’s not that I like darkness that much, I just find solitude here. When my eyes are no longer busy taking care of my surrounding, suddenly everything feels so much less complicated. It’s comforting, really. The lights is no longer jabbing your eyes and you’re left blinded, the only thing left is the peaceful darkness. Maybe a part of the reason why it’s comforting is the fact that you can’t see much, and so you start to ignore your surrounding and furthermore your world. It’s quiet, but, usually when I lay alone in the quiet darkness my thoughts would run wild and bizarre, that’s why music is needed. Music always takes me to a whole new universe. It has an effect that nothing else has, it can lifts up and slams down my mood at the same time. It’s the best thing that can give me comfort, that’s why it collaborates the best with the dark room. 

it’s my very own version of comfort, we may have it different, so find your own comforting set-up :)

August: Part I

Hello! 

I know I haven't updated this blog for a quite long time, so many things have happened I don't even know where to start telling you. Oh by the way some friends of mine addressed my last post "leaf", they asked me why and showed their concern. I don't even know that there are people who actuallly read this blog, however I'm really grateful for those people, thank you for caring. It's okay, It was just one of my ups and downs. 

Okay, let's get started here......
What's been happening in my life?

You all know how much I want to study in SAPPK ITB right? Well, you also know how I failed miserably last year, And some of you probably know how I felt like I don't belong in mathematics. But do you know that this year I got accepted in SAPPK ITB?!

I can't stop saying Alhamdulilah and thanking Allah SWT. My dream really came true, maybe God just wanted me to wait, I'm sure there must be a reason behind everything. Thank you, thank you!

Thank you for all of my friends who never stopped supporting and believing in me, I really appreciate all of your "it's okay", "good luck", "you can do it!" "I believe in you". Thank you for my family who's been very supportive and loving. Thank you for everything everyone~!

I gotta admit that it's so funny, it seems like God has planned all of this for me. Remember weeks ago when I was really down, unmotivated, and blue? Well it took time, but I somehow managed to get my self out of the mess, and then I said to my self "it's okay, everything is really okay, it's time to let go. You're gonna be good, just go on, maybe this is where you belong, it's okay"  Seriously that was the time when I stopped worrying too much about everything and just let everything go, let everything flow. And suddenly BAM, God gives me something I've wanted for years, it's like a belated birthday gift. 

I earn so much lessons, First of all is to never give up no matter how impossible it seems, second is not to worry too much, and third is to believe that God always has a bigger plan for you.

Between the glee and all the euphoric feelings,

I'm very, very, very sad.
I have met so many great people in last year, and God knows how amazing my best friends are. I'm so lucky to ever got a chance to know them. Dit,Va,Ken,Nan,Mar,Tang,Zan..., take care there, and please try not to forget me :')  . Thank you for always being there, thank you for never stopped lending a helping hand, thank you for keep listening no matter how random my conversation is, thank you for accompanying me whenever I suddenly craved for some random foods. Thank you for being there!

I know that this is just a start of something so much bigger, I know that the journey won't be as easy as what I expected. I know that the road can be bumpy, and the mountain is very high, I'll try to do my best and make up for what I didn't get to do last year. 

❤ ❤ ❤