Bliss, Remembrance & Closure

Few weeks ago, on 15th November 2013 I decided to visit my old family, the Mathematics Department of Universitas Indonesia. I came to fulfill my promise to attend one of the biggest event my angkatan held, it was FORSIL 2013.

Coming there, I didn't know what to expect, I was very giddy, nervous, afraid and excited at the same time. I thought coming there would be the best option to give my self the much needed closure, I thought that by coming there I would be able to satisfy all of this longing and curiosity. I thought that coming there would solve everything and I'd be able to really move on.

Damnit, I had never been more wrong.

Coming there was like a vacation, very fun and exhilarating. Coming there was like coming home, so comfortable and warm. Coming there was easily one of the best moments in these few months. 

It was so easy to laugh, for once I really got all the jokes. It had been such a long time since the last time I laughed that hard, it had been way too long since the last time I laughed 'till my stomach literally hurt. 

I hadn't talked that long with someone, coming there I feel like I found my self again, my carefree self who couldn't care less about what next word to say, whether this will offend the people in front of me or not, whether it's okay or not to express my opinion about certain things & so much more. 

It was effortless, being happy was effortless, being comfortable was effortless. everything I did there was so effortless. I love seeing those familiar faces I know by heart, I love knowing that I still have a home there.

And then it hit me, how much I missed everything.

I miss the people. I miss their scents, I miss their laughter, I miss their sense of humor, I miss the safety I felt around them, I miss how easy it was to laugh with them. I miss them

I miss the building, yes I actually miss the building. I used to hate it, I hated how unmaintained it was, I hated how it had to be closed at 6 pm, I hated the restroom and I even hated the stairs. But I didn't realize that it provided me a place to belong. Being a new student in ITB means that you gotta stick around in common buildings or library with the strangers whom you can't talk to and people you'd rather avoid. It's just so different, I'm so used to hanging around in the hall or 'teras matek' whenever I got nothing to do, there we could gather around, just doing nothing, chitchating, doing homeworks, and just being together. But now I feel like a lost puppy whenever I have no classes.

There are many other things to be missed but I'd rather not go into details.

Well, here I am living my dream yet it's still hard for me to move on from the past, not to mention that I have been missing out so much. I'm not going to try catching up with those things I've missed because it would be left in vain. Slowly but surely I know I have to back out, I know that I'm losing my place and it's okay, maybe. I honestly don't know how long I can keep this up, sometimes in my lowest point I feel like changing my phone numbers, making new accounts and forgetting everything. But we all know that it is a very stupid idea because you can't choose which memories to remember, you can only choose to pretend ignoring them.

Coming there again had made it clear, that I'm never going to forget about them, about everything that had happened the past year. And  that's what saddens me the most, coming there had made me realize that I could be that happy. It had made me remember that it's possible to feel Home outside my real home.

You might think I'm exaggerating things, But it's me we're talking about. I'm the worst person when it comes to adapting into new things , I'm also very bad at being close to new people, I'm like a lump of awkwardness to the people I'm not close with. That's why when I feel comfortable around certain people or things, I always get too attached.

Perhaps it was just because I visited them at the time when the euphoria was so thick on the air, or perhaps it was because I hadn't expect my trip to Depok would be that fun. Perhaps it was because I didn't let myself to admit how much I miss everything. 

But, I feel like I haven't said enough thank you to all of them, especially MAT12ICES.
Thank you for being my family, for the past year, even until now and beyond. Thank you for not forgetting me, I really love the quote you gave me "You'll always be a part of us and you will never walk alone" ,I wish you all endless success and don't forget to have fun! I love you all so much!  

And to the people I could never forget, Ditya, Insan, Kinan, Lintang, Maria, Niken, Ova, Zainul.
You know how much I love you all. Try not to forget me yaa!<3

Well, for a friendly reminder, I don't regret moving. I don't think I ever will, It has always been my one big lifetime dream, it is a choice that have no space for regret. I'm falling hard for this city, I love its weather, I love coming back to my room finding it's warm when it's freezing outside and the opposite. I love the atmosphere, and I'm surely, slowly falling for the people too. 

I guess all I can do is to just keep walking, walking, and walking

Life is going to be so wonderful
One day I'll look back saying endless thank you. Amin

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1000 Words

10:41 pm

25 November 2013

This post has been my final closure.

Di Beranda

....

Dan jika suatu saat 
Buah hatiku, buah hatimu 
Untuk sementara waktu pergi
 Usahlah kau pertanyakan 

ke mana kakinya kan melangkah
 Kita berdua tahu, dia pasti

Pulang ke rumah

....

Diatas merupakan petikan lirik dari lagu "Di Beranda" oleh sekelompok musisi yang sedang mendominasi playlist gua sehari-hari, Banda Neira. Lagu ini menceritakan mengenai dialog seorang ayah dan ibu tentang anaknya yang sedang merantau. Mungkin terkesan aneh kalau gua memetik lagu ini, gua bukan seorang ibu, dan jelas sekali belum punya anak. Namun setelah membaca blog mereka lebih lanjut, ternyata kata-kata di lirik ini sebenarnya kata-kata yang ingin disampaikan sang penulis untuk ibunya yang disamarkan dalam bentuk dialog ayah-ibu. Ya, seakan-akan ayah nya lah berkata seperti itu pada ibunya, padahal sebenarnya ini adalah curahan hati anak untuk ibunya. Bait diatas merupakan bait favorit gua, Entah kenapa, bait ini memiliki daya tarik yang sangat tinggi, Bagi gua bait ini memiliki optimisme, keyakinan seorang anak, kepercayaan sang orang tua, dan kehangatan sebuah rumah.

'Such a beautiful lyric', itu pikiran pertama gua setelah mendengar lagu ini, namun kedua kali mendengar lagu ini, tiba-tiba sesuatu mengganggu pikiran gua. Apakah gua sudah dapat mengatakan hal tersebut kepada kedua orang tua gua? Ya gua memang merantau di kota orang, namun jarak nya dapat ditempuh dalam 4 jam perjalanan, bahkan gua pun selalu pulang ke rumah setidaknya 2 minggu sekali. Apakah gua sudah pantas mengatakan hal tersebut disaat jarak kurang lebih 200 km merupakan satu-satunya penghalang gua dengan rumah? Bukannya gua ingin jauh-jauh dari rumah, apalagi dari orang tua, God knows I can't stay in Bandung more than 2 weeks without seeing them, maksud gua adalah bahwa gua belum berjalan cukup jauh, tempat gua berada sekarang terasa terlalu normal, hampir terlalu aman malah, maka dari itu gua masih harus berjalan jauh untuk melihat dunia lebih luas lagi

Lagu ini mengingatkan gua akan satu mimpi yang hampir gua lupakan; Keliling Dunia! tahun lalu bahkan gua melukis sebuah peta dunia besar di dinding kamar gua, tujuannya selain untuk memperindah kamar adalah untuk mengingatkan gua bahwa dunia bukan hanya kamar gua, namun ada dunia luar, dan saat melukis itu gua berjanji bahwa suatu hari gua akan melihat peta dunia tersebut dengan bangga karena gua sudah mengunjungi tempat-tempat di peta tersebut. Amin. Rasanya ingin segera lulus dan mencari beasiswa ke luar negeri, ke negara entah berantah disana. Ingin segera menapakan kaki di negara yang tak dikenal, ingin belajar sesuatu yang baru, ingin melakukan hal besar, ingin segera berpetualang dan berjalan jauh, jauh, jauh. Terdengar sangat mengandai-andai memang, semester satu saja belum selesai tapi soksokan sekali sudah bicara tentang pendidikan selanjutnya. Ya namanya juga sedang bersemangat.....

Mungkin nanti, pada saat itu gua bisa mengatakan bait terebut kepada orang tua gua, di saat gua sudah melangkah jauh, menentukan pilihan hidup sendiri, dan menemukan petualangan baru. 

Semoga nanti, suatu saat, gua bisa membanggakan orang tua gua, dan membalas semua kepercayaan serta doa-doa dari mereka.

Amin

Dan apabila mungkin ada yang penasaran, ini lagunya :)